Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Games are overhyped and 'Bama is looming

CBS Sportsline now has a countdown clock for the Florida-LSU game, two fucking weeks from now. I hate most sports media with an insane passion that is hard to quantify. It's highly paid people stated the blatantly obvious.
Alabama-UGA should carry on our coverage of SEC Football live and in person. I must say that the UF-UT game was an amazing show, it damn near killed me. I guess I shouldn't drink Wild Turkey before a game that was so hot that things where spontaneously lighting on fire. I listened to most of the Alabama-Arkansas game on the radio, but saw the maddening finish on HD. I don't know what to make of either club. This will be my first saturday at home so I'm hoping to be able to take the afternoon in drunk.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Just two days till Saturday


Phillip Fulmer is fat. I'm just going to come out and say it. He's really fat. Like he just sits down to breakfast and all he has is a giant bowl of bacon. You would assume in the rigors of coaching the finest athletes money can buy that he would get in a sit-up or two, but he's not alone. Charlie Weis seems like he keeps two of the Patriots Super Bowl trophies in his prodigious double gut. These two are making Ralph Friedgen look like Kate Moss. These three have had pockets of success, and "bowl of bacon" Fulmer did win a National Title. They all seem to pull recruits in not with favors, or sorority girls, but purely the gravitational pull of their gigantic frames. If Florida State wants to regain its swagger and begin beating teams better than Duke it could hire Jabba the Hutt.


The collective fortunes of Notre Dame, Michigan, and Florida State may make the average fan gleeful, but it also points toward the realignment of the college sports world. Big time BCS football is becoming much like Major League Baseball. The big money schools like Ohio State, USC, and Florida are the wave of the future. Steve Spurrier can only go so far on the charms of Columbia before you realize Tennessee has a jet and Florida has more money than Warren Buffet. Boise State may shock the world but Florida and Southern Cal will win the titles.

Poll Position will continue it's live coverage of SEC Football and will be in Gainesville for the Florida - Tennessee rumpus as we where for the Georgia - South Carolina skirmish. We're still looking for someone to cover that Mississippi State - Auburn game.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Painful Depression of the Concession Stand

The trudge to the concession stand is always my moment in the grand tradition of Murphy's law. With temperatures climbing to a point they should be measured in Kelvin, I have to go for the water run for the entire damn row. Now I try to approach the area, which is wedged into the back of the stadium and the edge of existence, with the eye for the fastest line. I never succeed.

There are those who stand in lines so close you could survive the winter on body heat, and I try to respect a little distance from the next person, and this leads to a problem. Since the stand is along a major stadium pathway I end up the gatekeeper to a steady flow of traffic. By the time the line moves I've seen the entire north stands pass in front of my face. It's moving slower than Christmas because there is a man with a vicious stutter in front of me ordering Thanksgiving dinner for him and his mixed Catholic-Mormon family and the high school volunteer behind the counter is having a hard time with the complexities of the drink menu. I finally get to the front feeling like I've given blood and she charges me less than the sign indicates. Some sort of weird karmic irony.

The next time I ventured to the stand I chose a line on the opposite side of the first slow moving line and the tide had turned, in the wrong direction. The lady three subjects up wanted to lolly gag around about the choice between the pretzel and the hot dog. I wanted to strangle her with her stylish sash. But as I got to the front of this line what seemed like two months later, they were out of what I wanted. Damn you concession stand. I hate you.

Monday, September 10, 2007

State of the Nation - Week 2

Before I get started, here's a little video to sum up my feelings about the UGA-USCum game.



When Spurrier ends up in hell I hope all the cool people shun him. Click-fucking-clack.

My frustrated bemusement at the Georgia offense aside, it was a pretty entertaining weekend of football. Michigan and Notre Dame lost again, which was very unsurprising and incredibly satisfying. Still, I'll have to suffer through some bullshit stories about redemption leading up to their game, but at least neither is ranked.

LSU rocked Virginia Tech like a hurricane, dominating in every phase. Flynn fired bullets at wide open targets, the defense snuffed the life right out of the Va. Tech offense and the massacre was well under way by the end of the first quarter, really before Va. Tech had a chance to respond. Congrats on winning the Golden Mask LSU. Here's hoping something horrible happens that you will have a chance to defend the Tragampionship next year.

The Big East had an up and down week for a conference that won most of its games. Cincy and USF looked impressive against solid BCS teams, while Louisville, WVU and Rutgers struggled to dispatch overmatched opponents. Syracuse continued to be dreadful.

The Pac-10 was solid, with the exception of Oregon State's dismantlement by Cincy. Oregon was impressive against a beleagured Michigan team, Washington beat a pretty good Boise State team and Cal and UCLA managed to hang on for wins against pretty solid non-BCS teams.

My revised prediction for the winner of the SEC East is I have no fucking clue. Anyone but Vandy could win it as far as I can tell.

I may be interested in this weekend by Wednesday, but right now the thought of watching a college game is nauseating.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Tragedy Bowl I



The inaugural Battle for the Golden Mask takes place this weekend between the LSU Tigers and the Virginia Tech Hokies. It promises to be a helluva tearjerker game. However, if one doesn't happen to be a fan of one of the two schools how can one decide which community is more deserving of his sympathy and, by extension, which team he should support.

First, you have to determine which was more affected by the tragedy. On it's face LSU seems to win here. The hurricane affected many thousands of people, killing hundreds in New Orleans alone. They were out of touch with family members going through the storm, giving them the edge in the all important direct association with victims or DAWV statistic. The Virginia Tech shooting involved only 32 people directly, almost all of whom were anonymous faces to the football team. However, upon closer examination, the scars left by the hurricane were more minor. I don't think any football player had a family member die in the storm, and there's little fear of another hurricane coming soon after. Even if one did they would have plenty of time to move out of the way, assuming buses were apportioned accordingly. The Hokies had to wonder if a copycat with an itchy trigger finger was going to shoot for the big time. That's a creepy feeling I would think. So the immediate impact goes to LSU. The lasting impact goes to Virginia Tech. I call that a wash. No help there.

But are there any individual tragedies that we can examine to determine the sympathy factor of each team? Good question, me. Yes there are. I will let each reader judge for himself from the lists below, as all of us do not feel equal sympathy for the same hardships.

LSU:

- DT Glenn Dorsey was forced to eat two people during Katrina, four less than his usual daily intake.
- WR Early Doucet was teased about his name throughout elementary school, mainly by the use of "Girly" in place of his first name.
- K Colt David was never truly accepted by the "real" football players at Grapevine High in Texas.
- TE Richard Dickson, nuff said.
- LB Derrick Odom had to attend high school in Mississippi.
- 5'5" WR Trindon Holliday was forced to spend the first eighteen years of his life as a suitcase midget.
- DB Stefoin Francois was forced to endure the humiliation of his nation's greatest delicacy being renamed "freedom fries."

Virginia Tech:

- OG Jaymes Brooks narrowly escaped execution following a poor effort in a training match at Bad Newz Kennelz in 2002.
- QB Sean Glennon has been forced to play QB for his entire life despite having none of the skills necessary to do so. He longs to dance.
- TE Sam Wheeler, growing up in Wyoming, didn't find out other black people existed until 1999.
- HB Brandon Ore thinks he "might have seen one of those dudes who got shot out of the corner of his eye while he was pissing on some bitch at a party."
- LB Cody Grimm, son of All-Pro guard Russ Grimm, has been the recipient of life-long psychological abuse from his father, mostly regarding his vast inferiority to his father on the football field. He has also been seen cutting his arms with razor blades while listening to shitty low-fi music by his roomate, who often refers to him as a "huge pussy", only worsening his severe self-loathing.

So, there you have it. Make your choice accordingly about which tragedy(ies) is/are the most tragic. I think the real tragedy is that one of these teams will have to lose this game. It will be just like a hurricane washed out a city or 32 people were shot by a crazy dude all over again.

(Belated HT to sportsgirl365 for "Tragedy Bowl", despite the fact that I was unaware I was stealing it.)

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Heat, senility, and Gatorate into wine on a Gainesville


My college football Saturday started much earlier than I thought. I had been out drinking Friday night with a former stripper that conveniently pissed her pants and then rode back to Jacksonville in the front seat of my car. I got home and then promptly rose four hours later to climb into a car and drive the hour and a half to Gainesville. With three family members that included my insane senile uncle it was a fucking hootenanny and a half. He regaled us with a story of how he got a lot of ribbing from his co-workers in South Florida when Ohio State beat Florida in the Fiesta Bowl in '95. My Mother shot me a glance, and I kept my mouth shut. Senility can be embarrassing. Daddy had no problem correcting him. I only hate the time with him because it is like looking into Dorian Grey's twisted little mirror.
In the good judgment of the University and those fucks at Lincoln Financial the game started in North Central Florida on a humid day at 12 fucking thirty. I will never do business with you Lincoln Financial and you missed out on the vast estate that is my paltry fortune. Before the game Tim Tebow was in the end zone and was laying hands on the sick and handicapped. He then turned the Gatorade into wine and went back to the locker room for the traditional run out on to the field.
Whereas some College Football stadiums are built like Southern palaces, Ben Hill Griffin is like a teenage kid's room, cluttered and garish. That being said it is the most difficult place to play in the entire Bowl Championship Football Alliance whatever the fuck they call Division 1-A. There is nothing greater than a close game when the defense has the ball at The Swamp, but with Western Kentucky in town the place was just a bit subdued. One thing I have found about the way sports apparel manufacturers have decided to design ladies wear is to take a team's name, and place it on and or around the ass. I really don't have a problem with it I was just making the observation. When Tim Tebow finally took the field a series of 45,000 hard-ons erupted and they were all pleased when he took them down the field with ease. He sprinted on the outside and threw down field, and when he was hit late out of bounds he reached up to the heavens and a bolt of lightning struck the opposing player dead. It was at this point the game was called.
The ride home was punctuated by running out into traffic to get beers out of the trunk, and listening to both sides of the Illinois - Missouri game on the satellite radio. The games better get better if the day's surrounding them don't. Maybe I'll take up Biggus's invitation and venture into Athens one of these days. Hopefully I can stow in the trunk, because I think they'd arrest me based purely on my degree from the University of Florida.
First things first....the USC Song Girls "Boot Camp" from 2006...



First week of the college football season or not...Frankly, who gives a damn about the MEN of Troy?!?

Ok, now that I've got your attention (yo, dude...the picture ain't goin' anywhere, and if your girlfriend walks in while you've got it up (the pic UP on the screen, anything else that is "up" is your responsibility) you should at least know what the hell you're supposed to be reading) allow me to introduce myself. You can call me WVRevy, and the "WV" part of that does, indeed, stand for West-by-god-Virginnie. I' ain't no damn southern redneck like these other two. I am a genuine West Virginia Hillbilly, and not to put too fine-a-point on it, but I don't really give a damn what you think of that. My job here will be to try to beat some sense into these SEC homers and get them - and any readers we manage to scare up - to understand that good football doesn't stop at the Mason-Dixon line and the Mississippi.

That said, here are a few thoughts on Week 1 of what already looks to be a damn interesting 2007 season:

- What's to say about the Meechigan debacle that hasn't already been said? I vote we just all sit back and make fun of Lou Holtz for saying that this "wasn't an upset." Granted, Appy State is a good 1AA team. But the mighty Wolverines were supposed to contend for a "national title" (quotes will remain around that phrase until they finally settle the damn thing on the field). Holtz even said that Lloyd Carr shouldn't be on the hot seat. Um...someone needs to check Lou's blood-alcohol level. I'm starting to think that isn't a lisp he's got, but rather the results of a few bottles hidden under the desk.

- Speaking of Holtz and stupid comments, didn't he say Notre Dame was gonna win something like 10 games this year? After that ass-raping they suffered at the hands of Georgia Tech, do you think Mark May wanted - even just a little - to lean over and pimp slap the slobber off Holtz' lower lip, just as an "I told you so" kinda gesture? It looks like the Irish are headed closer to 10 losses than 10 wins. I don't give a damn if Clausen is the gay love child of Steve Young and Joe Montana. He ain't saving the Irish' season with that shitty offensive line in front of him.

- Mississippi State's starting QB gave what could possibly have been the worst performance in the history of the sport on Thursday. Until I saw the box score, I wouldn't have believed he actually completed 11 passes (to his own team). His leading receiver was actually the safety from LSU. The funny thing is, his piss-poor performance made that game look much worse than it should have. If that's the number two team in the country, I'll stand between Ralph Friedgen and a box of Krispy Kremes.

- The ACC continued to look like the shit conference it has become. NC State and UVA lost to non-BCS schools UCF and Wyoming, Maryland struggled to put away 1AA Villanova, and Virginia Tech got lucky in beating East Carolina. Only Miami (playing an even shittier school) and Georgia Tech looked halfway decent. Couldn't happen to a better bunch of assholes, as far as I'm concerned.

- The Big 12 is up for grabs a helluva lot more than most of the so-called and self-styled "experts" would have us believe. 'Course, they can't get off Colt McCoy's jock long enough to accurately look around the conference, so what do you expect? But Nebraska and Oklahoma both looked ridiculously good in beating up teams roughly equivalent to (if not actually better than) the sacrificial lamb that Texas barely beat. 'Course, one of the teams that was supposed to challenge UT got spanked in Athens, Georgia, so what the hell do I know?

- The Big East beat the holy hell out of a bunch of patsies, with the exception of SyrExcuse getting it handed to them by mediocre Washington. WVU and Louisville would, I'm sure, love to be playing better teams than they are, and both do in later weeks and years. But for right now, there isn't much to say about the top of the conference, as who the hell knows how good any of them are (though, it's probably safe to say that they are better than Michigan).

- Elsewhere in the Big 10...the funniest videos I saw of celebrations stemming from the Michigan loss were of fans from tOSU and State Penn. Um...you guys do realize it made your whole conference look like a joke, right? Well...that and the annual pasting you all take every bowl season when you're not matching up against teams from the MAC. Yeah...WE all thought it was hilarious that a "Big 10 Power" got thumped by their opening cupcake...but we are laughing AT you, not WITH you.

- In the PAC 10, Cal got it's revenge for the ass kicking in Knoxville last season, and USC looked like a team that's been reading its own press clippings. They keep playing like that, and I guarantee they lose at least two, possibly three games this year. Yeah, they've got a shitload of talent. So do the New York Yankees. If I had to pick right now, CAL would by my pick to win the conference. Still...at least they've got those Song Girls.

- In the SEC...ah, who gives a shit. You all get that from the other two meatheads writing on this blog, so I won't even get into it this week.

State of the Nation - Week 1

First things first. Michigan lost to a I-AA team (I will not call it FCS) in the greatest and most satisfying upset I've ever seen. Appy State is HOT HOT HOT! Don't believe me?



What does this mean beyond the fact that I don't have to listen to Michigan whine about not playing for the national title this year? Not much really. It was bound to happen that some I-AA team would catch lightening in a bottle and beat a power at some point. Appalachian State would probably have represented themselves well even if Michigan had been ready for them. They're a pretty good offensive team for any level of football, and Michigan's defense is other than good. Michigan took them lightly and turned what should have been a 48-23 victory into a 34-32 loss. There's not much more to it. It still makes me smile though. I'll smile even wider if Michigan manages to rebound and win the Big Televen.

Elsewhere, LSU and USC were underwhelming in their openers. Both teams are loaded on defense and a little iffy on the offensive side. They both looked it. Still, they combined to win 83-10 against MSU (the even worse one) and Idaho, respectively. I suspect USC will end up in the title game, but I just don't see LSU doing it. And not only because Les Miles is an average coach.

Tim Tebow proved he could throw the ball, and Matthew Stafford proved he could throw the ball away, leading me to the conclusion that the SEC East Champion will be decided in Jacksonville. Unfortunately that bodes ill for Georgia. Here's hoping the flawed Florida defense helps them to drop a couple of games before Oct. 27.

There wasn't much else happening this weekend. Cal got their revenge on Tennessee, who looked horrible defensively. A lot of good teams blew out a lot of bad teams, a few good teams struggled against bad teams, and Washington seemed like they might be a pretty good team with their dismantling of Syracuse. Of course, Syracuse could simply be that bad. Oh, and Duke may have established itself as the worst I-A team after losing by 31 to what should be a bad UConn team.

The September weeding process will continue next week. Here's hoping Tennessee continues a season of horrors by falling to Southern Miss.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Swamp Sleeps

Overall Rankings: The Southeastern Conference

With Biggus Rickus in Oregon I post for the listening audience, his ranking of the 12 SEC schools in terms of overall direction in Football. This encompasses tradition, recent successes, facilities, coaching, the whole shabang.

1. Georgia: Richt's going into his seventh year, and they've won ten games a year under him, along with two SEC titles. Traditionally it's the third best program. Facilities are as good as anybody's. The fan-base is pretty much the same as the rest of the SEC's (with the exception of Bama, whose fan-base is a liability). I don't know how you quantify perception, so I'm not going to.

2. Florida: I thought about LSU, but their coach has yet to win anything depsite their talent. The facilities are probably the best in the league. The talent's good. The tradition isn't very good, but they've been more consistently good for the last couple of decades than anyone else in the league. If Meyer proves he can keep winning consistently I think it would go back and forth between Georgia and Florida from then on.

3. Tennessee: Yeah, they aren't the program they were in the nineties, but they've been to two SEC title games recently, rank second to Alabama historically and their coach has been there forever.

4. LSU: They have a solid history. They've won two SEC titles and national title recently (under another coach) and they're loaded every year. I think Miles is an average coach however who will never quite get over the hump before he's fired.

5. Auburn: Solid history (of cheating), Tuberville's been there a while. They've won an SEC title recently and have been consistently tough otherwise. They haven't won enough to jump LSU yet, though if they get to the SEC title game this year I'd put them ahead of them next.

6. Arkansas: Yeah, there's been a lot of shit off the field lately, but they've been to three SEC title games under Nutt and they're returning a lot of talent next year. Of the second tier teams they have the most tradition, and Alabama has been a shambles since they lost Stallings. Speaking of...

7. Alabama: The once mighty Tide haven't been to an SEC title game since Dubose was coaching them and it's been a coaching carousel ever since. Saban won't change that. Their tradition is great, but they're the most unstable program in the conference. I don't see it improving anytime soon.

8. South Carolina: They don't have much history at all, but they have a good coach and have consistently gone to bowl games lately. Really, at this point you could pick teams from a hat almost, but they seem to be on an upswing at the moment.

9. Ole Miss: They suck at the moment, but of the teams at this bottom area, they've had the most recent success and have a far better history than the others. But wow they are bad. Still, not the worst team in the state.

10. Kentucky: Kentucky is looking at making a bowl game this year. They have the best combination of talent and coaching of the bottom-feeders, but they'll still only occasionally manage an above .500 record. Their tradition and fan-base both suck.

11. Vandy: Poor Vandy. They have what I think is a very good coach and no players at all. They were a power in the teens and twenties though!

12. Mississippi State: Mississippi State has never been and never will be good unless they hire another ubercheater like Sherill. If I remember correctly, they're the only original member of the conference to not win a title. Oh, and they're not stable between the probation they're just getting off of and the new coach and all (they fired Croom right? They should've. He blew).

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Buckeye Fans

Jimbo and Robot Bobby

Is there a more ridiculous name for a grown human being other than Jimbo. Perhaps Scooter is worse but we're not talking politics here. By all accounts he is a terrific Offensive coordinator, and that has seemed to be what has been missing in past years, but that is a stupid fucking name. Before you start with your Urban comments that guy was a Pope. But there is also something that seems bizarre about a backwoods southern nickname and a Jewish last name. Like Bubba Lowenstein, or Skeeter Goldberg. I do honestly hope he does a good job there, because the days of epic Florida-Florida State battles seems like a distant memory now. I also think a good ACC keeps the SEC on it's toes. But if he does a good job there he could have that job when Bobby goes out to pasture, which I am convinced is going to be 2045. Robot Bobby will then become Athletic Director for another 1000 years.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Raw Sting of perpetual Defeat

I have a very difficult time with College Football on the PlayStation family of game consoles. I know more than the average bear when it comes to discussing the intricacies of the game, but I just can't seem to win even with the most absurd match ups. I'm not talking about him embarrassing my Gators at home most of the time, but really lopsided games. Like Nebraska vs Jackson State lopsided. Occasionally I can put together scoring drives but it all falls apart when I snatch defeat from the vicious jaws of victory. But a breakthrough occurred when I was finally able to beat him, not with Florida, or Ohio State. Not with Texas or USC but with a rag tag group of Hey Reb's from the University of Nevada at Las Vegas. The mascots had gigantic mustaches, and wide brimmed hats, but they rose to victory that day. Disney even plans to make a movie about this story. It'll go strait to DVD but they will put it in the vault after so many years and the collectables will have to get us by. My point being the way to go is the mascots. If you suck like me.

Felony Roundup

Corey Boyd is back like cooked crack. Maybe the confederate flag shouldn't be Spurrier's biggest concern. This still makes me laugh:


This one tehnically doesn't relate to a crime, beyond stupidity. Note to football players and athletes in general, stop fucking crazy drunk bitches. I know it's fun, but Christ.

Why do they insist on releasing details in these things? Did Duke not teach anyone anything? "Undisclosed team rules" works for drugs, why not rape allegations? Oh, and if it pans out, I hope a few hundred eyes are taken for an eye during a lengthy prison term. If not, again, stop fucking crazy drunk bitches.

Pretty shitty week (or so) for Joe Tiller.

Monday, April 16, 2007

A Gator To Hate

As I make my first contribution to this fine column of college football excitement, I believed a bit of disclosure was necessary. I am a member of quite an obnoxious lot. We wear abrasive colors and drink heavily. Mere mortals are canonized without even a short meeting with the Pope. More savage than a bunch of republicans force fed Dixie Chicks for two hours. Especially fond of reptiles. I am a Gator, and in the South it is a pastime like no other to hate the Gators. Even my close friends secretly hate me. But we have become the stuff of Urban legend and I wanted to clear up a few misconceptions about our lot.

We can be killed by a silver bullet, but only if it has been dipped in holy water. We do steal a child from a neighboring community of Bulldogs or Volunteers on Confederate History Day, but we won't kill it. We make it go on beer runs. Yet we are humble people. Our loud drunkenness is only one of many ways to watch College Football. Some in Mississippi like to come to games as if they were coming to church dressed in their Saturday best. In North Carolina they sit in the stands in amazement at how they got the ball all oblong. In Hawaii they play it next to lava. I don't really know if they do or not, but that's the way I'm going to imagine every box score from the Mountain West next season. Gainesville though is the center of the College Sports world, but that will not last forever. The good times will someday be over, as they are for Notre Dame, but I will live in the moment and hope not to be too obnoxious.

Top 8 Concluded

Check out 8-5 here.

4. YouDee the Blue Fucking Hen



BR: I like to think the girl in the front right is saying, "What a douche."
TRDoD: I'm just looking at their shirts. Isn't Blue Hen Fever what closes down Bangkok to visitors around Christmas?
BR: Blue Hen Fever is an epidemic sweeping Dover.
TRDoD: I think the girl behind him is throwing up.
BR: You can't stare too closely at a hen's ass without feeling some sense of nausea.
TRDoD: I think you would have to be doing coke to put up with the stress of such an assignment. I hope he gets some kind of band credit for this. And I hope the university is covering his habit. They owe it to him.
BR: They should offer a scholarship for such debasement.

Author's Note: Curt's e-mails became less frequent and coherent as we went along. I suspect alcohol, but I haven't ruled out heroin.

His Story: lol The blue hen! I had a girlfriend who went to Delaware. She was a good fuck. Oh, the history thing. Some guy brought a chicken to a game. It stuck.

3. Otto the...uh, Thing



BR: What is this thing, an orange who is a man? Because that's gay if true.
TRDoD: You know he's not actually an orange? He's just an animate orange ball of craziness of Syracuse athletics. Because if you've been to Syracuse during the winter there is actually no color at all. Syracuse is where Black and White was invented.
BR: Yet Jim Brown, an arbiter of coloredness, played there. Ironic.
TRDoD: He was extremlely black. He's no O.J. Simpson.
BR: I think the probelm is that nobody knows what "Orangemen" actually means. I mean, "Redmen" would lead to Indians. "Orangemen" makes you think of people with tanning cream. Which might be very popular in Syracuse, what with their blistery winters and lack of sun.
TRDoD: I think it's honestly a reference to the Order of the Orange in Ireland, who are the militant protestants that bomb Catholic militants. Proving that even without colored people white people will find some reason to kill each other.
BR: Don't tell the Klan that.

His Story: Otto? I don't know. That thing's fucking stupid. I need a sandwich.

2. Captain Cane the Ice Cream Cone



BR: Catholic Priests should try dressing as waffle cones.
TRDoD: His friends just call him Piss Storm.
BR: That kid seems to be thinking, "What the fuck dad? You put me next to this creepy dude? We're gonna have a talk later."
TRDoD: He grows up to be a dancer, or a greeter at WalMart with a latent dislike of sports and Disney's "On Ice" series of traveling shows
BR: I like the cape though. He's like a ridiculous super hero, a minor player in the DC universe. When the Golden Hurricane launches his piss storm only, um, yeah, I don't know any DC villains who could have withstood it. Wonder Woman was probably into it.
Seriously though, this image is fairly disturbing. He has the kid on his lap and a fist in his side. It's like he's saying, "Fair citizen, this boy is my toy from now on." Golden showers on children are never pretty. Teenagers, well, that's another story.
TRDoD: Doesn't look like there's a real rush to get to meet Mr. Piss Wind that day either.
BR: There are actually two other little kids in line, outside the shot who he's leering at. He has a menacing appearance. He's groping a boy. He looks fucking ridiculous. I really don't think there's anything else to do but arrest him.
TRDoD: And with that I say we move on. I'm getting to the bottom of the barrel, and that barrel was filled with piss.

His Story: Tulsa doesn't have a fucking college asshole.

1. The Stanford Tree



BR: I'm almost speechless here. It looks like an arboresque Mr. Potato Head.
TRDoD: Ok, first off I can understand the tree influence in northern California, but how do you get from tree to "The Stanford Cardinal". Not cardinals like the bird. Just Cardinal. Just one.
BR: Pretty fucking presumptuous.
TRDoD: Did Sid and Marty Kroft go to Stanford?
BR: I really can't get over the fact that it's a fucking tree. Let's take an inanimate object and animate the fuck out of it! I really want to kill it and all its sapliings.
TRDoD: And did the tree get coligen in the lips under pressure from the Hollywood crowd?
BR: You know what the pressures are like. That tree actually had a bout with anorexia a few years back.

His Story: i got a hore comign over you wat in?

And that's it, the worst mascots in college football. On a related note, I haven't heard from Curt since that whore was coming over, so if you hear anything let me know. He seemed like an alright dude. I'd hate for anything to happen to him.

Top 8

Welcome to Poll Position's inaugural Top 8. Today we'll be ranking the worst mascots. I guess that technically makes it a Bottom 8. Fuck you. It's our blog. You may be wondering, why eight instead of ten or twenty-five? Because we're lazy, and fuck you. It's our blog. As a special treat we've exchanged e-mails with mascot historian Curt Llewelin, author of Unsung Heroes: A History of Mascots Through the Ages. It's apparently out of print, but if you come across a used copy you can find out all you ever wanted to know about mascots, and probably a lot more than you wanted to know, for under a buck. That's enough of an intro I think.

8. Cocky the Gamecock



BR: Gamecock - A chicken that fights other chickens. That is the mascot of the state university of South Carolina.
TRDoD: What other mascots are based on something that is illegal in 49 states?
Middle Tennessee State's Fighting Meth Labs.
BR: The Portland State Fighting Assisted Suicides.
TRDoD: Oh, and Iowa State used to be known simply as Prostitution.
kind of like Heat, or Lightning, Just the Iowa State Prostitution.
BR: Prostitution is big in Ames though, so it's fitting.
TRDoD: Look at his hand. That's either hook 'em horns or he worships satan.
BR: Maybe he's just really into rocking out.
TRDoD: I was willing to accept that the chicken worships the dark lord of the underworld. Imagine if it was that that he wished for in return for his soul.
BR: As deals with the Devil go, that's pretty low. Even the guy in Oh God, You Devil did better. And he basically signed up to be Richard Marx.
TRDoD: He totally low balled himself when he could have become Rod Stewart or that guy in Roxette.
BR: Still, he got to deal with George Burns. I bet the Cock didn't get to do that.
TRDoD: Say goodnight Gracie.

His Story: Cock fighting is a deep-rooted tradition in South Carolina, dating back to colonial times. It is even rumored that the first Governor's race was settled by a cock fight. Between that tradition and the fact that cock fighting revenues paid for 60% of all construction at the University, it was an obvious choice.

7. Big Al the Elephant



BR: It's Santa Al, and he's back to molest the snow. This is a good introcution to the collective taste of Alabama fans.
TRDoD: The elephant is not a shocking mascot to choose. It's the pairing of it with their love of detergant and toilet paper.
BR: They are called the Crimson Tide, which isn't nearly as bad as Green Wave, because at least crimson is the color of blood, and a bloody tide washiing over you is scary. I assumed the elephant had something to do with their realignment with the GOP.
TRDoD: What the hell is going on in the gulf coast? Green waves, crimson tides. Does it get worse the closer you get to the Yucatan? Yellow riptide, fuscia foam.
How is he able to grasp the snowball with his elephant paw? If he was holding it like a waiter would a tray I could understand.
BR: I'm still trying to determine what he's doing with his trunk. Is he doing some snowblowing or snowsucking?
TRDoD: I think he's using it to contour the ear.
BR: Elephants are nature's artists.

His Story: Alabama chose the Elephant in honor of J.E.B. Stewart's famed crossing of the Ozarks with his elephant cavalry during the Civil War. This led directly to a lifting of the siege at Vicksburg, an act that prolonged the war and ensured that many more people would die.

6. Riptide the Pelican



BR: Nothing says Christmas like an angry pelican.
They're the Green Wave and they have a pelican. At least Miami had the good sense to choose an aquatic bird that nobody knows anything about to misrepresent their nickname. Also, Green Wave makes me think a river of slime has decided to crash on my shores. As team names go, River of Slime would have been a good choice for a college based in New Orleans.
TRDoD: He just seems too much like a mascot for a single A hockey team from Columbus, Georgia than an established college program. Or the spokesperson for a boating safety course.
BR: He's fighting mad about it too.
TRDoD: He looks more resentful and frustrated.
BR: "Fuck me! Tulane? Whatever."

His Story: In 1973 the Tulane Provost decided to get high and watch The Flintstones. A particularly witty quip from the pelican garbage can caused him to laugh until he threw up, and the next day he insisted the University adopt the animal as a mascot. The first incarnation, called Trashy, was more comical than angry.

5. Sycamore Sam the Fox



BR: It's like porn for people into furries.
TRDoD: The timeless art of seduction.
BR: With those bedroom eyes and that come hither smile, you know what he wants.
TRDoD: I thought a sycamore was a tree.
BR: The sycamore is indeed a tree. They chose a fox because foxes live in trees. Oddly, this is not the most bizarre tree to animal correlation.
There's so much blue in this picture it makes me question God.
TRDoD: Yet if you stare at him long enough you can see Jesus's eyes.
BR: And lo Jesus did say unto the masses, "Blessed are the foxes for they shall represent the trees."

His Story: In 1969, realizing that a tree would make a god awful mascot the athletic department pulled an all-nighter to come up with something. They were almost ready to choose an owl, because "Owls live in trees." when Foxy Lady came on the radio. Originally it was a sexy female fox called Mary Jane, but a 1971 lawsuit brought by "Concerned Christian Parents" forced a change to the less masturbation-worthy Sycamore Sam.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to the Top 8...

Friday, April 13, 2007

Once Upon a Time...

I decided to create a college football blog and invited my friend The Royal Dutch of Dukes (TRDoD) to contribute. That day was today, and this is that blog.

By way of introduction, we are two lads from Jacksonville. My family migrated here from that peachiest of states, Georgia, where my father developed an unhealthy love of the University of Georgia. TRDoD was born and raised here, the son of a second generation University of Florida grad. They say football is a religion in the south, and just like any good zealots our fathers indoctrinated us early. I even cried at the age of six after a Georgia loss in the '82 Sugar Bowl. Fuck Dan Marino. So we grew up to be adult fans of the two schools, TRDoD becoming a third generation graduate of the University of Florida, and I, eschewing class in favor of that wackiest of weeds (or anything else that seemed more interesting, like girls and sleep), failed to graduate from any of the schools I attended. This blog will serve the dual purpose of fulfilling our desire to write about something we love and hopefully entertain any readers we may attract. I hope you enjoy.

There are a few promises I would like to make to the readers:

We vow to mock any and all commentators as their inane, cliché spouting douchebaggery demands. This goes doubly for Brent Musburger.

We vow to talk about something other than Georgia and Florida. We may even on occasion stray outside the SEC to take a peek at lesser conferences.

We vow to never argue in favor of a playoff, because playoffs suck and college football should remain the uniquely beautiful snowflake it is.

We vow to remind everyone at least once a month that Nick Saban is an asshole.

We vow to post pictures of co-eds in various states of undress as often as possible.


We vow to make off the field antics a central theme during this boring off-season period.

We vow to talk only about college football unless we'd rather talk about something like the best energy/alcohol drink (It's still Sparks so far).

We vow to try to be funny most of the time. However, we won't be held accountable if we are not, because it's probably your fault for not getting the joke you humorless asshole.

Most imporantly, we vow to give 110% and do our part to help the team.