Thursday, September 6, 2007

Tragedy Bowl I



The inaugural Battle for the Golden Mask takes place this weekend between the LSU Tigers and the Virginia Tech Hokies. It promises to be a helluva tearjerker game. However, if one doesn't happen to be a fan of one of the two schools how can one decide which community is more deserving of his sympathy and, by extension, which team he should support.

First, you have to determine which was more affected by the tragedy. On it's face LSU seems to win here. The hurricane affected many thousands of people, killing hundreds in New Orleans alone. They were out of touch with family members going through the storm, giving them the edge in the all important direct association with victims or DAWV statistic. The Virginia Tech shooting involved only 32 people directly, almost all of whom were anonymous faces to the football team. However, upon closer examination, the scars left by the hurricane were more minor. I don't think any football player had a family member die in the storm, and there's little fear of another hurricane coming soon after. Even if one did they would have plenty of time to move out of the way, assuming buses were apportioned accordingly. The Hokies had to wonder if a copycat with an itchy trigger finger was going to shoot for the big time. That's a creepy feeling I would think. So the immediate impact goes to LSU. The lasting impact goes to Virginia Tech. I call that a wash. No help there.

But are there any individual tragedies that we can examine to determine the sympathy factor of each team? Good question, me. Yes there are. I will let each reader judge for himself from the lists below, as all of us do not feel equal sympathy for the same hardships.

LSU:

- DT Glenn Dorsey was forced to eat two people during Katrina, four less than his usual daily intake.
- WR Early Doucet was teased about his name throughout elementary school, mainly by the use of "Girly" in place of his first name.
- K Colt David was never truly accepted by the "real" football players at Grapevine High in Texas.
- TE Richard Dickson, nuff said.
- LB Derrick Odom had to attend high school in Mississippi.
- 5'5" WR Trindon Holliday was forced to spend the first eighteen years of his life as a suitcase midget.
- DB Stefoin Francois was forced to endure the humiliation of his nation's greatest delicacy being renamed "freedom fries."

Virginia Tech:

- OG Jaymes Brooks narrowly escaped execution following a poor effort in a training match at Bad Newz Kennelz in 2002.
- QB Sean Glennon has been forced to play QB for his entire life despite having none of the skills necessary to do so. He longs to dance.
- TE Sam Wheeler, growing up in Wyoming, didn't find out other black people existed until 1999.
- HB Brandon Ore thinks he "might have seen one of those dudes who got shot out of the corner of his eye while he was pissing on some bitch at a party."
- LB Cody Grimm, son of All-Pro guard Russ Grimm, has been the recipient of life-long psychological abuse from his father, mostly regarding his vast inferiority to his father on the football field. He has also been seen cutting his arms with razor blades while listening to shitty low-fi music by his roomate, who often refers to him as a "huge pussy", only worsening his severe self-loathing.

So, there you have it. Make your choice accordingly about which tragedy(ies) is/are the most tragic. I think the real tragedy is that one of these teams will have to lose this game. It will be just like a hurricane washed out a city or 32 people were shot by a crazy dude all over again.

(Belated HT to sportsgirl365 for "Tragedy Bowl", despite the fact that I was unaware I was stealing it.)

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I DEMAND a hat tip for coming up with the term Tragedy Bowl!!!!