Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Games are overhyped and 'Bama is looming

CBS Sportsline now has a countdown clock for the Florida-LSU game, two fucking weeks from now. I hate most sports media with an insane passion that is hard to quantify. It's highly paid people stated the blatantly obvious.
Alabama-UGA should carry on our coverage of SEC Football live and in person. I must say that the UF-UT game was an amazing show, it damn near killed me. I guess I shouldn't drink Wild Turkey before a game that was so hot that things where spontaneously lighting on fire. I listened to most of the Alabama-Arkansas game on the radio, but saw the maddening finish on HD. I don't know what to make of either club. This will be my first saturday at home so I'm hoping to be able to take the afternoon in drunk.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Just two days till Saturday

Phillip Fulmer is fat. I'm just going to come out and say it. He's really fat. Like he just sits down to breakfast and all he has is a giant bowl of bacon. You would assume in the rigors of coaching the finest athletes money can buy that he would get in a sit-up or two, but he's not alone. Charlie Weis seems like he keeps two of the Patriots Super Bowl trophies in his prodigious double gut. These two are making Ralph Friedgen look like Kate Moss. These three have had pockets of success, and "bowl of bacon" Fulmer did win a National Title. They all seem to pull recruits in not with favors, or sorority girls, but purely the gravitational pull of their gigantic frames. If Florida State wants to regain its swagger and begin beating teams better than Duke it could hire Jabba the Hutt.

The collective fortunes of Notre Dame, Michigan, and Florida State may make the average fan gleeful, but it also points toward the realignment of the college sports world. Big time BCS football is becoming much like Major League Baseball. The big money schools like Ohio State, USC, and Florida are the wave of the future. Steve Spurrier can only go so far on the charms of Columbia before you realize Tennessee has a jet and Florida has more money than Warren Buffet. Boise State may shock the world but Florida and Southern Cal will win the titles.

Poll Position will continue it's live coverage of SEC Football and will be in Gainesville for the Florida - Tennessee rumpus as we where for the Georgia - South Carolina skirmish. We're still looking for someone to cover that Mississippi State - Auburn game.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Painful Depression of the Concession Stand

The trudge to the concession stand is always my moment in the grand tradition of Murphy's law. With temperatures climbing to a point they should be measured in Kelvin, I have to go for the water run for the entire damn row. Now I try to approach the area, which is wedged into the back of the stadium and the edge of existence, with the eye for the fastest line. I never succeed.

There are those who stand in lines so close you could survive the winter on body heat, and I try to respect a little distance from the next person, and this leads to a problem. Since the stand is along a major stadium pathway I end up the gatekeeper to a steady flow of traffic. By the time the line moves I've seen the entire north stands pass in front of my face. It's moving slower than Christmas because there is a man with a vicious stutter in front of me ordering Thanksgiving dinner for him and his mixed Catholic-Mormon family and the high school volunteer behind the counter is having a hard time with the complexities of the drink menu. I finally get to the front feeling like I've given blood and she charges me less than the sign indicates. Some sort of weird karmic irony.

The next time I ventured to the stand I chose a line on the opposite side of the first slow moving line and the tide had turned, in the wrong direction. The lady three subjects up wanted to lolly gag around about the choice between the pretzel and the hot dog. I wanted to strangle her with her stylish sash. But as I got to the front of this line what seemed like two months later, they were out of what I wanted. Damn you concession stand. I hate you.

Monday, September 10, 2007

State of the Nation - Week 2

Before I get started, here's a little video to sum up my feelings about the UGA-USCum game.

When Spurrier ends up in hell I hope all the cool people shun him. Click-fucking-clack.

My frustrated bemusement at the Georgia offense aside, it was a pretty entertaining weekend of football. Michigan and Notre Dame lost again, which was very unsurprising and incredibly satisfying. Still, I'll have to suffer through some bullshit stories about redemption leading up to their game, but at least neither is ranked.

LSU rocked Virginia Tech like a hurricane, dominating in every phase. Flynn fired bullets at wide open targets, the defense snuffed the life right out of the Va. Tech offense and the massacre was well under way by the end of the first quarter, really before Va. Tech had a chance to respond. Congrats on winning the Golden Mask LSU. Here's hoping something horrible happens that you will have a chance to defend the Tragampionship next year.

The Big East had an up and down week for a conference that won most of its games. Cincy and USF looked impressive against solid BCS teams, while Louisville, WVU and Rutgers struggled to dispatch overmatched opponents. Syracuse continued to be dreadful.

The Pac-10 was solid, with the exception of Oregon State's dismantlement by Cincy. Oregon was impressive against a beleagured Michigan team, Washington beat a pretty good Boise State team and Cal and UCLA managed to hang on for wins against pretty solid non-BCS teams.

My revised prediction for the winner of the SEC East is I have no fucking clue. Anyone but Vandy could win it as far as I can tell.

I may be interested in this weekend by Wednesday, but right now the thought of watching a college game is nauseating.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Tragedy Bowl I

The inaugural Battle for the Golden Mask takes place this weekend between the LSU Tigers and the Virginia Tech Hokies. It promises to be a helluva tearjerker game. However, if one doesn't happen to be a fan of one of the two schools how can one decide which community is more deserving of his sympathy and, by extension, which team he should support.

First, you have to determine which was more affected by the tragedy. On it's face LSU seems to win here. The hurricane affected many thousands of people, killing hundreds in New Orleans alone. They were out of touch with family members going through the storm, giving them the edge in the all important direct association with victims or DAWV statistic. The Virginia Tech shooting involved only 32 people directly, almost all of whom were anonymous faces to the football team. However, upon closer examination, the scars left by the hurricane were more minor. I don't think any football player had a family member die in the storm, and there's little fear of another hurricane coming soon after. Even if one did they would have plenty of time to move out of the way, assuming buses were apportioned accordingly. The Hokies had to wonder if a copycat with an itchy trigger finger was going to shoot for the big time. That's a creepy feeling I would think. So the immediate impact goes to LSU. The lasting impact goes to Virginia Tech. I call that a wash. No help there.

But are there any individual tragedies that we can examine to determine the sympathy factor of each team? Good question, me. Yes there are. I will let each reader judge for himself from the lists below, as all of us do not feel equal sympathy for the same hardships.


- DT Glenn Dorsey was forced to eat two people during Katrina, four less than his usual daily intake.
- WR Early Doucet was teased about his name throughout elementary school, mainly by the use of "Girly" in place of his first name.
- K Colt David was never truly accepted by the "real" football players at Grapevine High in Texas.
- TE Richard Dickson, nuff said.
- LB Derrick Odom had to attend high school in Mississippi.
- 5'5" WR Trindon Holliday was forced to spend the first eighteen years of his life as a suitcase midget.
- DB Stefoin Francois was forced to endure the humiliation of his nation's greatest delicacy being renamed "freedom fries."

Virginia Tech:

- OG Jaymes Brooks narrowly escaped execution following a poor effort in a training match at Bad Newz Kennelz in 2002.
- QB Sean Glennon has been forced to play QB for his entire life despite having none of the skills necessary to do so. He longs to dance.
- TE Sam Wheeler, growing up in Wyoming, didn't find out other black people existed until 1999.
- HB Brandon Ore thinks he "might have seen one of those dudes who got shot out of the corner of his eye while he was pissing on some bitch at a party."
- LB Cody Grimm, son of All-Pro guard Russ Grimm, has been the recipient of life-long psychological abuse from his father, mostly regarding his vast inferiority to his father on the football field. He has also been seen cutting his arms with razor blades while listening to shitty low-fi music by his roomate, who often refers to him as a "huge pussy", only worsening his severe self-loathing.

So, there you have it. Make your choice accordingly about which tragedy(ies) is/are the most tragic. I think the real tragedy is that one of these teams will have to lose this game. It will be just like a hurricane washed out a city or 32 people were shot by a crazy dude all over again.

(Belated HT to sportsgirl365 for "Tragedy Bowl", despite the fact that I was unaware I was stealing it.)

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Heat, senility, and Gatorate into wine on a Gainesville

My college football Saturday started much earlier than I thought. I had been out drinking Friday night with a former stripper that conveniently pissed her pants and then rode back to Jacksonville in the front seat of my car. I got home and then promptly rose four hours later to climb into a car and drive the hour and a half to Gainesville. With three family members that included my insane senile uncle it was a fucking hootenanny and a half. He regaled us with a story of how he got a lot of ribbing from his co-workers in South Florida when Ohio State beat Florida in the Fiesta Bowl in '95. My Mother shot me a glance, and I kept my mouth shut. Senility can be embarrassing. Daddy had no problem correcting him. I only hate the time with him because it is like looking into Dorian Grey's twisted little mirror.
In the good judgment of the University and those fucks at Lincoln Financial the game started in North Central Florida on a humid day at 12 fucking thirty. I will never do business with you Lincoln Financial and you missed out on the vast estate that is my paltry fortune. Before the game Tim Tebow was in the end zone and was laying hands on the sick and handicapped. He then turned the Gatorade into wine and went back to the locker room for the traditional run out on to the field.
Whereas some College Football stadiums are built like Southern palaces, Ben Hill Griffin is like a teenage kid's room, cluttered and garish. That being said it is the most difficult place to play in the entire Bowl Championship Football Alliance whatever the fuck they call Division 1-A. There is nothing greater than a close game when the defense has the ball at The Swamp, but with Western Kentucky in town the place was just a bit subdued. One thing I have found about the way sports apparel manufacturers have decided to design ladies wear is to take a team's name, and place it on and or around the ass. I really don't have a problem with it I was just making the observation. When Tim Tebow finally took the field a series of 45,000 hard-ons erupted and they were all pleased when he took them down the field with ease. He sprinted on the outside and threw down field, and when he was hit late out of bounds he reached up to the heavens and a bolt of lightning struck the opposing player dead. It was at this point the game was called.
The ride home was punctuated by running out into traffic to get beers out of the trunk, and listening to both sides of the Illinois - Missouri game on the satellite radio. The games better get better if the day's surrounding them don't. Maybe I'll take up Biggus's invitation and venture into Athens one of these days. Hopefully I can stow in the trunk, because I think they'd arrest me based purely on my degree from the University of Florida.
First things first....the USC Song Girls "Boot Camp" from 2006...

First week of the college football season or not...Frankly, who gives a damn about the MEN of Troy?!?

Ok, now that I've got your attention (yo, dude...the picture ain't goin' anywhere, and if your girlfriend walks in while you've got it up (the pic UP on the screen, anything else that is "up" is your responsibility) you should at least know what the hell you're supposed to be reading) allow me to introduce myself. You can call me WVRevy, and the "WV" part of that does, indeed, stand for West-by-god-Virginnie. I' ain't no damn southern redneck like these other two. I am a genuine West Virginia Hillbilly, and not to put too fine-a-point on it, but I don't really give a damn what you think of that. My job here will be to try to beat some sense into these SEC homers and get them - and any readers we manage to scare up - to understand that good football doesn't stop at the Mason-Dixon line and the Mississippi.

That said, here are a few thoughts on Week 1 of what already looks to be a damn interesting 2007 season:

- What's to say about the Meechigan debacle that hasn't already been said? I vote we just all sit back and make fun of Lou Holtz for saying that this "wasn't an upset." Granted, Appy State is a good 1AA team. But the mighty Wolverines were supposed to contend for a "national title" (quotes will remain around that phrase until they finally settle the damn thing on the field). Holtz even said that Lloyd Carr shouldn't be on the hot seat. Um...someone needs to check Lou's blood-alcohol level. I'm starting to think that isn't a lisp he's got, but rather the results of a few bottles hidden under the desk.

- Speaking of Holtz and stupid comments, didn't he say Notre Dame was gonna win something like 10 games this year? After that ass-raping they suffered at the hands of Georgia Tech, do you think Mark May wanted - even just a little - to lean over and pimp slap the slobber off Holtz' lower lip, just as an "I told you so" kinda gesture? It looks like the Irish are headed closer to 10 losses than 10 wins. I don't give a damn if Clausen is the gay love child of Steve Young and Joe Montana. He ain't saving the Irish' season with that shitty offensive line in front of him.

- Mississippi State's starting QB gave what could possibly have been the worst performance in the history of the sport on Thursday. Until I saw the box score, I wouldn't have believed he actually completed 11 passes (to his own team). His leading receiver was actually the safety from LSU. The funny thing is, his piss-poor performance made that game look much worse than it should have. If that's the number two team in the country, I'll stand between Ralph Friedgen and a box of Krispy Kremes.

- The ACC continued to look like the shit conference it has become. NC State and UVA lost to non-BCS schools UCF and Wyoming, Maryland struggled to put away 1AA Villanova, and Virginia Tech got lucky in beating East Carolina. Only Miami (playing an even shittier school) and Georgia Tech looked halfway decent. Couldn't happen to a better bunch of assholes, as far as I'm concerned.

- The Big 12 is up for grabs a helluva lot more than most of the so-called and self-styled "experts" would have us believe. 'Course, they can't get off Colt McCoy's jock long enough to accurately look around the conference, so what do you expect? But Nebraska and Oklahoma both looked ridiculously good in beating up teams roughly equivalent to (if not actually better than) the sacrificial lamb that Texas barely beat. 'Course, one of the teams that was supposed to challenge UT got spanked in Athens, Georgia, so what the hell do I know?

- The Big East beat the holy hell out of a bunch of patsies, with the exception of SyrExcuse getting it handed to them by mediocre Washington. WVU and Louisville would, I'm sure, love to be playing better teams than they are, and both do in later weeks and years. But for right now, there isn't much to say about the top of the conference, as who the hell knows how good any of them are (though, it's probably safe to say that they are better than Michigan).

- Elsewhere in the Big 10...the funniest videos I saw of celebrations stemming from the Michigan loss were of fans from tOSU and State Penn. guys do realize it made your whole conference look like a joke, right? Well...that and the annual pasting you all take every bowl season when you're not matching up against teams from the MAC. Yeah...WE all thought it was hilarious that a "Big 10 Power" got thumped by their opening cupcake...but we are laughing AT you, not WITH you.

- In the PAC 10, Cal got it's revenge for the ass kicking in Knoxville last season, and USC looked like a team that's been reading its own press clippings. They keep playing like that, and I guarantee they lose at least two, possibly three games this year. Yeah, they've got a shitload of talent. So do the New York Yankees. If I had to pick right now, CAL would by my pick to win the conference. least they've got those Song Girls.

- In the SEC...ah, who gives a shit. You all get that from the other two meatheads writing on this blog, so I won't even get into it this week.