Top 8

Welcome to Poll Position's inaugural Top 8. Today we'll be ranking the worst mascots. I guess that technically makes it a Bottom 8. Fuck you. It's our blog. You may be wondering, why eight instead of ten or twenty-five? Because we're lazy, and fuck you. It's our blog. As a special treat we've exchanged e-mails with mascot historian Curt Llewelin, author of Unsung Heroes: A History of Mascots Through the Ages. It's apparently out of print, but if you come across a used copy you can find out all you ever wanted to know about mascots, and probably a lot more than you wanted to know, for under a buck. That's enough of an intro I think.

8. Cocky the Gamecock



BR: Gamecock - A chicken that fights other chickens. That is the mascot of the state university of South Carolina.
TRDoD: What other mascots are based on something that is illegal in 49 states?
Middle Tennessee State's Fighting Meth Labs.
BR: The Portland State Fighting Assisted Suicides.
TRDoD: Oh, and Iowa State used to be known simply as Prostitution.
kind of like Heat, or Lightning, Just the Iowa State Prostitution.
BR: Prostitution is big in Ames though, so it's fitting.
TRDoD: Look at his hand. That's either hook 'em horns or he worships satan.
BR: Maybe he's just really into rocking out.
TRDoD: I was willing to accept that the chicken worships the dark lord of the underworld. Imagine if it was that that he wished for in return for his soul.
BR: As deals with the Devil go, that's pretty low. Even the guy in Oh God, You Devil did better. And he basically signed up to be Richard Marx.
TRDoD: He totally low balled himself when he could have become Rod Stewart or that guy in Roxette.
BR: Still, he got to deal with George Burns. I bet the Cock didn't get to do that.
TRDoD: Say goodnight Gracie.

His Story: Cock fighting is a deep-rooted tradition in South Carolina, dating back to colonial times. It is even rumored that the first Governor's race was settled by a cock fight. Between that tradition and the fact that cock fighting revenues paid for 60% of all construction at the University, it was an obvious choice.

7. Big Al the Elephant



BR: It's Santa Al, and he's back to molest the snow. This is a good introcution to the collective taste of Alabama fans.
TRDoD: The elephant is not a shocking mascot to choose. It's the pairing of it with their love of detergant and toilet paper.
BR: They are called the Crimson Tide, which isn't nearly as bad as Green Wave, because at least crimson is the color of blood, and a bloody tide washiing over you is scary. I assumed the elephant had something to do with their realignment with the GOP.
TRDoD: What the hell is going on in the gulf coast? Green waves, crimson tides. Does it get worse the closer you get to the Yucatan? Yellow riptide, fuscia foam.
How is he able to grasp the snowball with his elephant paw? If he was holding it like a waiter would a tray I could understand.
BR: I'm still trying to determine what he's doing with his trunk. Is he doing some snowblowing or snowsucking?
TRDoD: I think he's using it to contour the ear.
BR: Elephants are nature's artists.

His Story: Alabama chose the Elephant in honor of J.E.B. Stewart's famed crossing of the Ozarks with his elephant cavalry during the Civil War. This led directly to a lifting of the siege at Vicksburg, an act that prolonged the war and ensured that many more people would die.

6. Riptide the Pelican



BR: Nothing says Christmas like an angry pelican.
They're the Green Wave and they have a pelican. At least Miami had the good sense to choose an aquatic bird that nobody knows anything about to misrepresent their nickname. Also, Green Wave makes me think a river of slime has decided to crash on my shores. As team names go, River of Slime would have been a good choice for a college based in New Orleans.
TRDoD: He just seems too much like a mascot for a single A hockey team from Columbus, Georgia than an established college program. Or the spokesperson for a boating safety course.
BR: He's fighting mad about it too.
TRDoD: He looks more resentful and frustrated.
BR: "Fuck me! Tulane? Whatever."

His Story: In 1973 the Tulane Provost decided to get high and watch The Flintstones. A particularly witty quip from the pelican garbage can caused him to laugh until he threw up, and the next day he insisted the University adopt the animal as a mascot. The first incarnation, called Trashy, was more comical than angry.

5. Sycamore Sam the Fox



BR: It's like porn for people into furries.
TRDoD: The timeless art of seduction.
BR: With those bedroom eyes and that come hither smile, you know what he wants.
TRDoD: I thought a sycamore was a tree.
BR: The sycamore is indeed a tree. They chose a fox because foxes live in trees. Oddly, this is not the most bizarre tree to animal correlation.
There's so much blue in this picture it makes me question God.
TRDoD: Yet if you stare at him long enough you can see Jesus's eyes.
BR: And lo Jesus did say unto the masses, "Blessed are the foxes for they shall represent the trees."

His Story: In 1969, realizing that a tree would make a god awful mascot the athletic department pulled an all-nighter to come up with something. They were almost ready to choose an owl, because "Owls live in trees." when Foxy Lady came on the radio. Originally it was a sexy female fox called Mary Jane, but a 1971 lawsuit brought by "Concerned Christian Parents" forced a change to the less masturbation-worthy Sycamore Sam.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to the Top 8...