Top 8 Concluded

Check out 8-5 here.

4. YouDee the Blue Fucking Hen



BR: I like to think the girl in the front right is saying, "What a douche."
TRDoD: I'm just looking at their shirts. Isn't Blue Hen Fever what closes down Bangkok to visitors around Christmas?
BR: Blue Hen Fever is an epidemic sweeping Dover.
TRDoD: I think the girl behind him is throwing up.
BR: You can't stare too closely at a hen's ass without feeling some sense of nausea.
TRDoD: I think you would have to be doing coke to put up with the stress of such an assignment. I hope he gets some kind of band credit for this. And I hope the university is covering his habit. They owe it to him.
BR: They should offer a scholarship for such debasement.

Author's Note: Curt's e-mails became less frequent and coherent as we went along. I suspect alcohol, but I haven't ruled out heroin.

His Story: lol The blue hen! I had a girlfriend who went to Delaware. She was a good fuck. Oh, the history thing. Some guy brought a chicken to a game. It stuck.

3. Otto the...uh, Thing



BR: What is this thing, an orange who is a man? Because that's gay if true.
TRDoD: You know he's not actually an orange? He's just an animate orange ball of craziness of Syracuse athletics. Because if you've been to Syracuse during the winter there is actually no color at all. Syracuse is where Black and White was invented.
BR: Yet Jim Brown, an arbiter of coloredness, played there. Ironic.
TRDoD: He was extremlely black. He's no O.J. Simpson.
BR: I think the probelm is that nobody knows what "Orangemen" actually means. I mean, "Redmen" would lead to Indians. "Orangemen" makes you think of people with tanning cream. Which might be very popular in Syracuse, what with their blistery winters and lack of sun.
TRDoD: I think it's honestly a reference to the Order of the Orange in Ireland, who are the militant protestants that bomb Catholic militants. Proving that even without colored people white people will find some reason to kill each other.
BR: Don't tell the Klan that.

His Story: Otto? I don't know. That thing's fucking stupid. I need a sandwich.

2. Captain Cane the Ice Cream Cone



BR: Catholic Priests should try dressing as waffle cones.
TRDoD: His friends just call him Piss Storm.
BR: That kid seems to be thinking, "What the fuck dad? You put me next to this creepy dude? We're gonna have a talk later."
TRDoD: He grows up to be a dancer, or a greeter at WalMart with a latent dislike of sports and Disney's "On Ice" series of traveling shows
BR: I like the cape though. He's like a ridiculous super hero, a minor player in the DC universe. When the Golden Hurricane launches his piss storm only, um, yeah, I don't know any DC villains who could have withstood it. Wonder Woman was probably into it.
Seriously though, this image is fairly disturbing. He has the kid on his lap and a fist in his side. It's like he's saying, "Fair citizen, this boy is my toy from now on." Golden showers on children are never pretty. Teenagers, well, that's another story.
TRDoD: Doesn't look like there's a real rush to get to meet Mr. Piss Wind that day either.
BR: There are actually two other little kids in line, outside the shot who he's leering at. He has a menacing appearance. He's groping a boy. He looks fucking ridiculous. I really don't think there's anything else to do but arrest him.
TRDoD: And with that I say we move on. I'm getting to the bottom of the barrel, and that barrel was filled with piss.

His Story: Tulsa doesn't have a fucking college asshole.

1. The Stanford Tree



BR: I'm almost speechless here. It looks like an arboresque Mr. Potato Head.
TRDoD: Ok, first off I can understand the tree influence in northern California, but how do you get from tree to "The Stanford Cardinal". Not cardinals like the bird. Just Cardinal. Just one.
BR: Pretty fucking presumptuous.
TRDoD: Did Sid and Marty Kroft go to Stanford?
BR: I really can't get over the fact that it's a fucking tree. Let's take an inanimate object and animate the fuck out of it! I really want to kill it and all its sapliings.
TRDoD: And did the tree get coligen in the lips under pressure from the Hollywood crowd?
BR: You know what the pressures are like. That tree actually had a bout with anorexia a few years back.

His Story: i got a hore comign over you wat in?

And that's it, the worst mascots in college football. On a related note, I haven't heard from Curt since that whore was coming over, so if you hear anything let me know. He seemed like an alright dude. I'd hate for anything to happen to him.